THE CHRISTMAS CONCERT

Once again we reach that dreaded time in our yearly calendar. No, I don't mean the last minute Dec. 24 11 PM WallyMart run. I am referring to the time of year that strikes fear into the hearts of every parent. The time of year you will find parents begging their boss to enforce mandatory overtime. The time of year where you will find parents in the parking lot ripping random wires out of their cars. No, I am not talking about going to work in a blizzard. I am of course referring to the time honored dreaded SCHOOL CHRISTMAS CONCERT.

When political correctness started to kill common sense, I thought perhaps it would take the concert with it. Nope. They just changed the name to 'CELEBRATION OF THE SEASON" and away we go. Don't get me wrong. Five year olds singing, crying and wetting their pants is always a joy to observe. I just find them a huge inconvenience. You know how it goes. The "school" concert cannot be held in the school because it is too small. Instead they move it across the city. You now must rush home from work, feed the children, dress them and then fight your way through RUSH HOUR traffic so you can make it in time to watch your little darling stand on stage, frozen in fear, until the teacher has finished her solo (it is a teacher solo because all the children either forgot the words or have stage fright) then you can try to find your car in the parking lot and fight 300 other parents to the exit. The preparation for this enchanting night is always fun. Personally I would rather rub my forehead on  cheese grater but to each their own. The teacher usually asks the parents to provide a costume made from virgin Alpaca fur. Preferably the albino virgin Alpaca. After all, doesn't everyone have a virgin alpaca in their back yard? Don't forget the matching shoes and hat. The costume must also be hand sewn. My version of sewing involves a stapler and duct tape.  If it can't be fixed with those supplies, it isn't getting sewn. My children were always the ones with the paper bags as a costume. The other children have beautiful hand made costumes made from the finest silk and Alpaca. Mine look adorable and orphaned in their paper bag shirt and garbage bag jacket held together by neon pink duct tape. How can you not love the concert season?
Have I mentioned that the concert is always held on the coldest night of the year. The one where the weather man is warning you that exposed skin will freeze in 5 seconds. If you stand in one spot too long, you will be frozen there until spring. This is also the night where a car will stall in the middle of the one and only exit to the parking lot.
 Two of my children are in the school band. The band concerts are a special kind of hell. Each grade plays two songs. Grade 6 -12. Wonderful. Oh I forgot the important part. Each year the grades play the same song. The song the Grade 6 class played last year is the same song the Grade 6 class will play this year. By the time you are done, you have sat through at least 6 years of the same damn songs. God help you if you have more than one child in the band. I am in year 6. I still have 4 more years to look forward to. Lucky me.
My favorite concert of all time happened when my oldest child was in grade 5. Two boys in Grade 4 got into a fist fight. ON THE STAGE DURING THE CONCERT
That was the best one. I doubt very much this week's concert will ever top that one.