Friday, August 27, 2010


If you know anything about me, you know I hate to cook. I avoid it any way I can. If I didn't have children to feed, I would probably just sell the oven and live off of the three main food groups. Take out, frozen and delivery. Soooo if I hate to cook so much, why am I cleaning my oven on one of the hottest days of the summer? Has being locked in a house with three teenagers finally cracked me? Well, it has but that is not why I am cleaning the oven.
Yesterday, I took my friend out for dinner. The friend who had a really lousy 40th birthday. She left her daughter with my daughters to babysit. The girls wanted to do something nice for my friend so they tried to make her a birthday cake. The key word there is tried. Apparently being out of school for two months also make you forget simple things.. LIKE READ THE DIRECTIONS FIRST!!! They tried to pour all of the batter into one small cake pan. Needless to say, there is no cake. Well, there is half cooked batter in the pan and burnt cake in the bottom of the oven, but nothing to eat. I could have used that as a learning experience. Something along the lines of chemistry. If you add all the ingredients together you get some sort of chemical reaction and the  result will be cake batter everywhere but in my tummy.. Ok, so I never excelled in chemistry. How about using it as a math lesson. If you put X volume of batter into a pan that holds X volume what will be the remainder? Cake batter in the bottom of the oven.  Yeah, I didn't excel in math either.
And that dear friends is why you will find me in with my head in the oven on one of the hottest days of the summer. If you happen to stop by, don't panic if you walk into the kitchen and see my ass sticking out of the oven and my head firmly placed inside the oven. I am not planning to do myself any harm. At least until I try to eat my cooking but that is another story.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


I don't know if I have the words to express how I feel. Sadness, horror,guilt. I think they all apply here.
Last month, by best friend's brother and his wife had their first child. A beautiful baby girl. Yes, she was tiny. She was born two months early. We all felt optimistic. After all, premature girls seem to have a better chance of survival than boys. ( See right from birth, we are tougher).
 My twins were two months early. They thrived( unless I give in to that primal urge to strangle them that all parents of teenagers have).Baby Stella was at the same hospital my girls were. She would not get better care anywhere else in the world.
Things were proceeding well. For me, the hardest part was not being able to touch my girls while they were in the hospital. The rules are very strict on that. You may hold them to feed them and that is it. I was thrilled when I was allowed to be the one to carry them to the scale to weigh them. I tried to make those moments last as long as I could. However, a person can only walk 30 feet so slowly. We all rejoiced when the parents were finally able to hold Stella. To me, that meant the worst was over.
Then things went wrong rapidly. Stella's parents live over an hour away from the hospital. They got a call in the middle of the night. Baby Stella had developed an infection. The hospital told the parents they must come now.  They were told that Baby Stella probably had less than 24 hours to live.
We prayed the hospital was wrong. Hospitals have been wrong before. People have been told they have 6 weeks to live and have gone on to live 20 more years. Sadly, this time the hospital was right.
 Baby Stella passed away before she reached the age of one month.
My heart breaks for her family. I cannot imagine the horror they must be living in. I have heard the stories of how maybe it was for the best. I can't accept that. I think living with a child with a disability beats losing your child completely.
 However, I can imagine a tiny tiny white casket. I wish I could get rid of that picture in my mind but it is stuck there.
To top it off, I feel guilty. Is it unreasonable? Yes. Does it matter? No. I still feel an immense amount of guilt. I had preemies. Mine survived. I already had a healthy child. They had none. I had TWO babies. They had one. My two babies survived. Their one precious child did not. Do I realize how lucky I am? Oh, yes.I wish this story had a happy ending. Sadly it does not. I pray that the family finds comfort and peace. Me? I will try to remember how lucky I really am... even when living with three teenagers makes me wonder.

RIP little Stella.

Little Stella's funeral is today. On my friend's 40th birthday. I am sure no one wants to spend their 40th birthday burying their infant niece.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I really need to remember to write down my passwords. I never remember them.
I have not abandoned you my dear Blogger friends. I have just been a wee bit busy. I promise I will make it up to you later this week.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Empty Head Time Again.

Time to empty my head again.
I opened the paper yesterday and saw reality. I grew up in a small city. If you didn't know everyone, you knew at least one person who knew or was related to the person you didn't know.
About two years ago, two young women went missing. Neither woman has been heard from since. Their stories are different but the facts remain there are two families out there that are hurting. I can't imagine the horror of not knowing where your child is. Both of these women have families that love them and miss them. My greatest wish is for closure for these families.
That being said, here is where I feel torn. In one of these cases, I know one of the men suspected in the disappearance. It is so hard to mesh the memories I have of this man and the horror they suspect him of. I realize that people change after high school but to change that much? I admit I have not spoken to him since high school and all the information I am getting now is pure hearsay. I understand there is a certain amount of drug use involved.  I know drugs can change a person but Istill have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that a person I knew and liked could fall so far as to hurt a human being like that.
I am glad I have finally completed my course. It was strange walking past the missing posters, turning the corner and walking past the place I last spoke to the person suspected of hurting her. I hope and pray that this former classmate of mine is eventually cleared of any wrongdoing and these women
are finally brought home to their families.
New topic.
I am begining my journey into unemployment. After running a daycare for years, I have completed my course to be a Special Ed teacher's aide. It was a long haul and I am happy to say I have officially graduated with honors. In order to be ready to work in a school in September, I had to close my daycare. Even though all the parents knew I had been working toward this, I guess they thought I would never actually be done. I gave them three months notice that I was shutting down. They were still really pissed off at me. That in turn, pissed me off. I am tired of chasing people down for money. I am tired of bounced checks. I am tired of bratty kids and I am tired of people cancelling on me at the last moment or just not showing up at all. I am done. I told them all I would stay on until the end of August but since most of them were mad anyway, they are all done now. Except one. They would have stayed on but his business closed down so he isn;'t working now anyway. I will admit I am terrified of being unemployed. Unemployed means no income. I am not guaranteed a job in Sept. I am not sure what I will do if I don't get on in a school by Oct. I am trying not to panic. I feel this is the right move and God will take care of me. At one point I was considering forgetting working in a school and was going to apply for a full time job as a manger of Blockbuster I saw advertised. I was unsure of what to do. Then my lovely neighbourhood Jehovah Witness ladies came to the door. They come faithfully every month. I have no intention of changing religion but they are too sweet to slam the door on. The magazine of the month had a feature article about dealing with unemployment. I was starting to think that might be a sign that I should just wait for Sept. Still unsure, I heard the mail being dropped off. Since I fully expected the monthly bills to start arriving, I asked God. If there are no bills in the mail, I will take that as a sign I should just be patient and wait until Sept. Sure enough there were no bills. So I guess I will wait until Sept to worry about a job. I have always worried about asking God for a sign of something. Mostly because I am concerned I am a little too stupid to catch the sign. I need something to slap me in the face not something subtle. For now, I am taking it as a sign from God. That doesn't mean I don't worry obsessively about money and paying the bills because I do. I am just trying to stay optimistic.
I have a friend who took her dog to the lake with her. He is a very active puppy. She thought it would be nice to take the dog for a boat ride with them. The puppy had never been on a boat before. The puppy jumped off the boat and was hurt. It is very serious. I feel for her. I know her heart is broken. I wish I could fix that for her but I can't. Now I am getting emails from a friend of hers. These emails are asking me for money to help out with the vet bills. I am unemployed with three kids to feed. I can't afford to pay for someone else's pet. I ignored the first couple of emails. Now the emails are coming in telling me that the friend of ours has paid her vet bill. Good for her. However, now the emails are telling me how I can go to our local Pets 101 store and donate money to the fund they set up for her there. OOkkkaayyy. Let's see if I understand this. The vet bills are paid, she has a job that pays better than any job I ever had and I am still expected to give her money? I don't think so. I wish I could but unless my lottery ticket comes in, that is not likely. I am not sure what to do though. Do I call up my friend and explain to her that I just can't afford to give her money (she is well aware that I am not working) or do I just ignore the emails and make it look like I am just a bitch. I have no idea what to do.
There I now have an Empty Head again..